Fart Help: Ecaping and Preventing Farts

Fart help?  Need some info and instruction on how to escape from and prevent farts and farting?  Then we've got just the facts you're looking for.  With this information reprinted from Fart Noises.info you'll be armed with an arsenal of fart protection and helpful fart information to help yourself and help save yourself from other people's farts:

• Try walking away from the fart briskly. If it’s one of your own you’ll find that it may just follow you like a dog. Try running in circles for a few moments. After a while the fart will give up the goat and disappear into oblivion.


• If someone lets off in your proximity in an enclosed space, never be afraid to bail out. Let them know that you are not impressed before running out the room and slamming the door behind you.


• If you travel via public transport make sure you analyze the available seats wisely. You can usually tell a farter from a distance. They’ll have a screwed up face and huge warts all over their nose, particularly if they’ve been farting for over 5 years. Remember prevention is better than the cure.


• It might prove to be impossible to ever escape from a fart. In situations like this it might be best to take your own life instead of dying a slow, painful, smelly death. As a last resort, try breathing in the fart as much as possible. If it’s an evil humdinger you will begin to lose consciousness within a few minutes. The pain will all be over soon.


• If someone in your house has jolly bad wind it might be worth investing in a smellproof concrete bunker where the rest of your family can escape to in the case of an emergency.


• Know the traits of the farter. Every windperson will give off a signal before they are about to release one. In my case grin uncontrollably. If you detect the warning signal start running, very very fast. Your lungs will thank you in the long run.


• Become a recluse - live in your cellar like J.D. Salinger and you won’t come into contact with anyone elses wind. It’s a bit drastic, but then again so are a lot of farts out there.


• I’ve mentioned it before, but a gas mask is a necessary evil in these days of the wind. Carry it with you at all times. You never know when someone will drop one.


• To prevent yourself from burning holes in other peoples lungs, formulate a codeword which you’ll use exactly 1 minute before you are about to fart. That way you’ll give everyone enough time to evaculate the premises.


• Demand that your employer formulates a fart drill - so that in the event of an extremely foul one - all of your colleagues know how to escape in an orderly manner. Fart induced stress is a leading cause of death in the workplace. Don’t let your fellow workers become statistics.