"Man who fart in church...Sit in own pew."
Fart Joke: A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains she has practically make her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and every so gently lets out a very dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Rover!".
The woman thought, "This is great! He thinks it's the dog!". A big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let out a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Rover!". Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes! This is perfect!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it nor did she hold back. She ripped a fart so big and so loud that it made the windows vibrate.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Damn-it Rover get away from that woman before she shits on you!
Fart help? Need some info and instruction on how to escape from and prevent farts and farting? Then we've got just the facts you're looking for. With this information reprinted from Fart Noises.info you'll be armed with an arsenal of fart protection and helpful fart information to help yourself and help save yourself from other people's farts:
Fart Joke: An elderly couple were attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, " I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" He replies, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Fart Smell: Dedicated to everyone who likes to smell your own farts and inspired by the Fat Bastard fart scene in Austin Powers Goldmember where he says during his fart analysis, "Everybody likes their own brand don't they?".... You know it's true... So tell the world about the fart smell that you're most proud of. Click the bold black line next to the thumbs down to see what others have said about their farts (on roll over will say, "load another confession. Space contstraints are not allowing the full black button to show): Or visit our main site at Smell-O-Vision to see full view.
Fart Names: Fart Chart - Types of Farts: We found a huge list of fart names at 4to40.com titled "The Fart Chart". This list has easily a hundred plus names and definitions for different kinds of farts. We put a mere tiny sampling of all the funny fart names here for your viewing enjoyment.
Today's fantabuolus fart names post is reprinted from PlanetGoneCrazy:
Everybody farts, there are no excuses. But there are people who are
polite, rude, who are actors, and their reaction when their fart is
Here is a list of how people with different characters fart.
1. Polite person - he farts and says "Pardon me!"
2. Cynic - he farts and looks you in the eyes
3. Cavalier - he lets lady to fart first
4. Gourmand - he farts for his own pleasure
5. Emotional person - he farts and says "Oh!"
6. Idealist - he farts for his own belief
7. Happy person - he farts and says "Who farts, means no evil"
8. Sentimental - he farts and thinks it how good it would be if he didn't farted
9. Nitwit - he farts a little bit whole day
10. Dupe - he farts and thinks that he's done a great thing
11. Well educated - before he farts, he asks for permission
12. Rowdy - when he farts, windows shake
13. Realist - he considers farting for normal behaviour
14. Impatient - he can't wait to fart
15. Egoist - he farts only for himself
16. Pessimist - he wants to fart and already he thinks he crapped his pants
17. Hypocritical (doublefaced) - he farts and asks who farted
18. Discrete person - he farts and says "This is between us, don't tell anyone"
19. Fellow person - he gives others the oportunity to fart, not just him
20. Careless person - he farts and craps in pants
21. Snob - he only farts in wealthy and respectable company
22. Actor - he farts, and waits for applause
23. Sportsman - if someone farts, he'll fart twice, just to be better
Print your own fee fart license. Now you can have your very own license to fart. This farting licence is brought to you by a UK site Phundria.
"Amaze your friends and astonish your acquaintences... get your free Farting License that you can print out on card and stick in your wallet or purse. Now, when flatulence beckons, it's a simple task to politely warn those round about you before the explosion occurs! This Licence also has a practical use as a fan to discreetly disperse any untoward lingering effects of an odiferous nature."
To print your free fart lisence click here or just click on either of the images below for instructions.
Fart Names.com has a fantastic list of fart names and fart definitions. We thought we'd reprint A-B here. If you want to read C-Z then drop on by and give them a visit.... gauranteed to give you a chuckle!
The Alarm Fart -
This is a
good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud
unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note
that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it
happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You
will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
The Amplified Fart - This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions
The Anticipated Fart - This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
The Back Seat Fart - This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted in the back seat?"
The Barn Owl
Fart - A
familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any
morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds
talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends.
If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down
notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.
The Bathtub Fart - People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing.
The Biggest Fart in the World Fart - Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farter's.
The Bullet Fart
single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds
like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can
startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the
more common fart foods, such as beans.
The Burning Brakes Fart - A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.